The Characters of Après
Après ski is one of the most important parts of skiing as I’m sure we are all aware; I mean have you really even been skiing unless you’ve spent the mid to late afternoon drinking rose from the bottle and singing songs from a Now That’s What I Call Music CD? But at every après ski session there are always the stand out members of the crowd, that special few who have become more than just drunken fools; they have become drunken fools that other drunken fools aspire to be like! So who are these strange individuals and what possesses them to take their glorious form?
There are a great deal who will don the onesie on the mountain for whatever reason, whether it be a university trip theme, a family joke or perhaps just a serious misunderstanding in what merits warmth on the mountain; However, nothing quite screams, “I’m only here for après” like seeing the entire Primark novelty pajama collection bombing it down the mountain to the rattle of empty bottles in their bags.
All of these onesiers, no matter what level of skiing they may have been exhibiting all day, will all enter the realm of après on a level playing field, all looking as ridiculous as each other and all presumably in equal demand for the attention of literally anyone; they are usually the first on the tables!
Big Bottle Baller
We’ve all seen these guys in the compensation crew! Let’s set the scene; it’s payday, you’re on holiday and for some unknown reason no matter how many beer peche you’ve sunk, still no one seems to be looking at you! I know, ridiculous! Well of course there is only one solution; you walk up to the bar and point directly at the bottle of rose the size of a 6-year-old child! That will definitely do the trick! Before you know it an entourage of resort staff and punters surrounds you as you assume the bottle over the shoulder bazooka stance and pour away that sweet pink elixir like a mamma bird, ensuring you are the most popular guy at après for at least ten minutes!
Well, well, well, we’ve seen those hips and my god they don’t lie! There are some of you out there who would put the woman herself to shame! With the stamina of marathon runners, these divas will hit the tables and shake their stuff from the first drink to the last! It’s not often you leave the Alps weighing less than when you arrived with the staple diet being cheese, potato and bread, however with a full on zumba workout every afternoon, drink in hand, you can spot these trim individuals from a mile off on the flight home!
There’s nothing not to like; it tastes of toffee and it gets you wobbly! Possibly the most popular item on the menu at Cocos is the bottle of toffee vodka and there are some who quite literally live off the stuff, coming back to the bar for another at least three times! The assassin loves running around pouring streams of booze into their mate’s mouths from irresponsible heights and even sneaking up on unsuspecting strangers giving them the ‘you know you want it’ eyes! Truly a believer of sharing is caring, the toffee assassin is probably the most generous of drinks sharers at après, although often gives out more than they drink themselves!
This truly is a character! It boggles the mind to consider what might possess this next individual to take up this behavior, perhaps some level of insanity? Now this person (almost always having already mounted the table) will decide in 19 degrees below zero that the entire clientele of the après bar want nothing more than to gaze upon their average rig! These people are hard to miss as within seconds of garment removal, their skin turns bright red and steam starts to pour off them like a rescue flair! This show is normally shortly followed by a desperate scramble to work out which one of their friends has hidden their clothes; and for those whose under and over garments have been found hanging from the lights of Cocos at closedown, our thoughts are with your nipples!
A scarcer appearing figure at après but without a doubt probably the most spectacular; this individual takes safety first, second and third! After a hard day of boot-packs, tours, gnarly coulies and nip deep pow, there is nothing that signs off their day to let everyone know how extreme they are than accidentally setting off their airbag in the middle of après! You can track their thought process in their eyes: Oops! Well at least now I know it works! Oh god, how much is it to get the canister refilled? Did I even read how to deflate this thing? Oh well, screw it, I’ll get another beer and go over to that dude pouring toffee vodka into everyone’s mouths!... Truly an après champion!